Let the Music Play

Every now & then I think about it. The hair on the back of my neck feels prickly and the goose bumps on my arms swell. I shiver, mostly in fear, thinking about the inevitable I will face someday. Yet at the same time I think about how liberating it will be when I get there. I mean, when I, myself, go.

I just want to go first, not after them. Like my sister.

For many parents, it's our greatest fear; outliving our children. And for me it became a reality I witnessed with ironic torment. I had just barely given birth to my first child when my sister's first child was taken.

To this day, I am still rattled by the cruelty of this vicious cycle. There are days that the reality floods over me like a tidal wave, knocking me down, sucking out my breath, choking me as I swallow the filthy water of his death.

I miss him and wonder, especially as I spend time with his siblings, what he'd be doing with his life today had the chord not been cut.

Like a crescendo, his music stopped. The song remains the same, but the melody is different ~ more melancholy.

Our world changed forever. And no matter how many years pass, our ears will always ring with the sound of his silence.

Now, as I lay quietly next to them in their restful slumber, listening to the rhythm of their gently breathing, I pray that my sons will be bound for a long, productive journey, with me & Hubby watching in the wings, until the day our music stops.

Happy Memorial Day

3 Beautiful Things 59/365

My gratitude journal for May 10-16, 2009:


1. baseball victories for both Nut & Birdie
2. the many fruit trees in bloom throughout the yard
3. quality time with family, especially Jason


Life is good when you've got so much to be grateful for...

Graduation Day

Yesterday was little Lex's graduation day. From college.

I swear it was just yesterday that my sister told me she was pregnant with her baby girl. Then again wasn't it just recently when we all sat in the audience to watch her baby's dance recital? And was it really 4 years ago that our baby girl put on her cap & gown for her high school graduation?

Now our baby girl is finished with school and ready to face the real world with her degree in business management.

Lexie Lu, the spitting image of her mother, has captivated us all. So it's not surprising that so many of us were there to celebrate her commencement.

I was glad that the rain came down with such vengeance, thereby postponing Birdie's game, so we could get an earlier start on the 2 hour ride to the party. We had all come from many miles away to be there for Lex; my mother from Florida, my father from Pennsylvania, my nephew from Oregon, my "twin" & me from northern VT. The only ones missing were our 3 brothers, who all live too far to join us.

What a wonderful day we had, being together and catching up with one another. None of us had seen Jason since 2005, so it was a wonderful surprise to have him there. In fact, my boys hardly remembered him. They were 6 & 4 back then.

It struck me funny to see my boys with their maternal cousins, who all except one are young adults ranging from 21 - 27 years old. Funny because all of us sisters had our children so far apart, despite only being 4 years apart ourselves. My oldest sister had her first child in 1977 and I had my first child 21 years later.

Yet the bonds of family are not tainted with distance or time. The boys love their aunts & cousins despite the lack of an everyday connection with them. I especially enjoyed Graduation Day. There truly is nothing better than spending time with the people you love.

The Metamorphosis of Our Gang

My parents were busy bees in way back in the late 50's & 60's because they were chasing around 6 children. As I've said before, I was the youngest of the brood; 3 boys & 3 girls. We were all about a year apart, born between November 1956 & December 1962.

I cannot imagine what it was like for my mother to have all of those cloth diapers to change and wash. I say my mother because I'm pretty sure that my dad didn't help too much with the children, other than discipline & a little playtime. I will give him credit for being a good provider, though, because I do not recall ever wanting for much.

Anyways, as I was growing up I remember feeling like I could lean on my oldest sister for anything. She was always so mature... so ready willing & able to face anything head on. I came to rely on her instead of my mother in some ways, probably because Mom seemed so harried with managing the mounds of laundry, the endless chores & everything else mothers do.

The fun I had was with my youngest brother, who was a couple years older than me. We were usually sent outside to fend for ourselves for the day so we'd head to the backwoods for some wild adventures. I was afraid to go far from the house, but when we were together he somehow managed to venture off in the deep, always finding something new to explore around every bend, with me trailing just a feet feet behind.

Many of the memories of my childhood stem from being with my "twin", though. My sister, Lauren, was only 15 months older than me yet, for the longest time, Mom dressed us alike. We'd wear the same sundresses, the same sandals, the same everything... just different colors. She was a beautiful little chocolate haired cherub of a girl with bright blue eyes and I was the towheaded pixie.

We were always close and today we only live about 30 minutes from each other. Nevertheless we have busy lives that rarely bring us together. My other sister & I don't talk much, and our relationship grew cool over the years. My brothers all live in different states and none keeps in touch.

I admit that I hate the holidays. I see families all around me giddy with the excitement of being together, reminiscing about the good times and the antics of growing up with a big family. This, unfortunately, is something I've never experienced. So when I hear my boys bickering and wishing they were an only child, my heart aches.

As another Mother's Day passes, I realize how sapless most holidays are in our house. So it is my hope that, going forward, we invest more time to celebrate, not just the occasion, but the love & camaraderie of a real family.

3 Beautiful Things 55/365

My Gratitude Journal for Saturday April 25, 2009:

1. spending time with my "twin" sister *

2. making friends with Harley **

3. sharing leftovers with Gingie Girl ***

Life is good when we spend time with Auntie & her furry family.

* this sister is only 17 months older than me

** my nephew's 1 year old pit bull

*** "twin's" 12 year old golden retriever